Military doctors field guide to masturbating in afghanistan

http://deadspin.com/5984350/the-comi...in-afghanistan

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Scenario #1

You are embarked on a naval vessel and you decide to masturbate while in bed. Unfortunately, you lack the traditional "happy sock" in which you would normally deposit your ejaculate. Climax is imminent. Where will you deposit your knuckle babies?
Field-tested solution: Simply push the covers down to your thighs, roll over onto a hip, and ejaculate away from the wall and into the aisle between your bed and others' beds.
The rub: The beds, or racks, in the enlisted berthing areas of most naval vessels are disparagingly called "coffin racks" because they are tiny and arranged in columns of five. They are also in aisles so densely packed that any semen arcing down from your rack will be in plain sight to up to 30 of your comrades. This was the experience of the top-rack user in this scenario. Needless to say, he was immediately put to work cleaning the decks.

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LA VINCITRICE DI TUTTO :rotfl:

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Scenario #9

You have worked 200 consecutive 18-hour days without a beer or a hug or real contact with anyone you love. You're sick of it, and routine masturbation has grown stale. You need a new form of stimulation or you're going to flip the fuck out.
Field-tested solution #1: Using simple procedure available on YouTube, one can MacGyver a water bottle, a glove from a first-aid kit, a sock, and a dollop of lube from a corpsman's pack to create a field-expedient pocket pussy.
The rub #1: There you are, standing on one bare foot, stuffing your johnson into a mangled plastic bottle with loose fittings and sharp edges, doing all this under threat of attack and with no real end in sight. It is at this moment that you may gain a poignant disgust for the life choices that led you here. The experience of employing your field-expedient pocket pussy may be more of a downer than you had planned.

Field-tested solution #2: One may choose to locate the comrade who, with great foresight, packed a slick silicon replica of a vulva and vagina—a true store-bought pocket pussy—and respectfully ask to borrow it. Astounding to outsiders, but reasonable to those who have been in the situation, your buddy may permit you to defile his precious.
The rub #2: Your buddy has many buddies, and in a bind up to 12 buddies have been reported to knowingly share one communal pocket pussy. This relationship may suddenly develop an emotional component when one of you falls ill. Whether it was Dengue fever, malaria, or appendicitis that caused your buddy's feverish vomiting and hospitalization, someone will likely tell the group, "Don't worry, it was just real bad syphilis."

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Scenario #3

You are on a defensive overwatch post at night, alone in your shallow fighting hole, maintaining a vigilant defensive posture upon which your sleeping comrades' safety depends. After hours of darkness and only periodic radio checks, you grow sleepy and need to restore your alertness.


Field-tested solution: One may restore alertness by masturbating furiously while on post.


The rub: Masturbating while on post is frowned upon and considered a dereliction of duty. That radio you have been periodically using to check in with the Combat Operations Center (COC) should be kept handy during your revival jerk, but you should be careful not to press the button that transmits audio. If you do accidentally lean on the talk button while jerking, then all your slapping and panting will be transmitted to all the other radios currently being operated on your channel. There will be many. Because you cannot receive transmissions while broadcasting your emissions, nobody can alert you via radio and someone from the COC will have to check post-by-post to find the offending jerk artist. He will be unhappy with you once you meet.

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:rotfl:

Uno degli smug più belli
http://i.imgur.com/Gm47g.gif

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Scenario #4

You are in a mine-resistant, ambush-protected vehicle (MRAP) maintaining night-time overwatch of a critical piece of ground and your crew of four is growing bored and tired. You wish to restore your vigilance by masturbating, but do not want to jerk it in a vehicle full of dudes.

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questo è un MRAP

http://www.parameter.sk/sites/defaul...P_MaxxPro_.jpg

Spoiler:

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Field-tested solution: Everyone jerks; nobody talks.

The rub: If anyone talks, the spell is broken, and in the minds of its passengers the MRAP is transformed into a Castro Street bathhouse, and a gay panic ensues. To avoid inconvenient urges to speak, you may listen to an iPod or other media device. If you do not have one of your own, ask nicely and someone may give you one of his ear buds. It is not recommended that you critique the song choice under any circumstance. Like in commuter slugging, all goodwill depends on your silent acceptance.

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x(

si ma tldr

scenario 4
> notte
> sei in un mezzo blindato a fare da guardia al territorio
> vuoi segarti per restare sveglio
> non vuoi segarti da solo in un mini carro armato pieno di uomini

SOLUZIONE
> tutti si segano
> nessuno parla
> ???
> profit

scenario 9
> mesi che ti seghi in afghanistan
> stanco della solita routine
> costruisci una fleshlight con una bottiglia di plastica e parti del kit medico
> il pensiero di infilare l'uccello in una cosa del genere non te lo rizza
> diventi triste

OPPURE
> ti fai imprestare una fleshlight da un fido commilitone
> prendi la sifilide

ma il primo consiglia di sburare tra i letti in camerata? :uhm:

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Originariamente Scritto da Decay

ma il primo consiglia di sburare tra i letti in camerata? :uhm:

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sul pavimento tra i letti più precisamente :asd:

e quello nelle doccie dice di farlo sul muro così da evitare di andare in giro con le ciabatte sburrose :asd:

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Originariamente Scritto da Trave

OPPURE
> ti fai imprestare una fleshlight da un fido commilitone
> prendi la sifilide

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NEIN. Nell'eventualità che uno dei fruitori della fleshlight si ammali, è matematico che uno di questi dica agli altri che il commilitone è caduto malato per via della sifilide. :snob:

corretto, nella fretta sono andato a memoria dopo che l'avevo letto stamane :asd:

così fà ancora più ridere in effetti :sisi:

Sono tutti pazzeschi, ma ce n'è uno che non riesco ad afferrare :uhm:

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Scenario #8
You are minding your own business, squatting on your haunches for a quick rest between moving crates of supplies. You have not masturbated very recently, nor do you plan to. Yet upon standing, your flaccid penis erupts with semen, and the new sogginess in your pants is not even accompanied by an orgasm. This also happened the last time you took a nice big shit.

Field-tested solution: One may present to medical with the chief complaint of "when I shit, I nut," and the doctor soon names your condition "defectory ejaculosis."

The rub: To rule out the most likely reason for semen in the toilet in the absence of an orgasm, the doctor must ask about sexual practices. He suspects that your section chief is in fact the love child of a hickory tree and a bulldozer. This will remain an open question until five of your buddies develop the same symptoms and experience immediate, synchronous resolution when you run out of a weightlifting nutritional supplement that you have all been sharing. Your doctor alerts the supplement manufacturer of their potential side effect of unprovoked jizzbombs.

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EDIT: Ah, adesso ho capito.
Questi consumano grossi quantitativi di Ripped Fuel -steroidi e cristo sa cos'altro- per tenersi svegli.
Gli steroidi finiscono.
Per effetto dell'astinenza, questi cominciano a sburrare a membro moscio senza alcuna possibilità di controllo. :rotfl:

infatti :rotfl:

americani :rotfl:

life choices :rotfl:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAH :lol:

Professionisti del fap duro, Marmist si è già arruolato?

tutte le seghe :rotfl:

:uhoh:

io invece consiglio l'uso del ricondizionatore neurale... così i soldati hanno solo il vizio di fumare stile terran di starcraft...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqpGiwNtMvY

ITA:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLMZCCqAnkc

1:20